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To weigh in on this situation and to offer advice to other men and women with a similar story, I reached out to Chicago-based relationship therapist Debra Alper. Alper, who has been in practice for 19 years, said that sadly, she has seen this scenario in too many of her clients. Alper said the reason these affairs happen is because there is an air of familiarity and the foundation of friendship. What happens when the spouse of the cheater finds out? According to Alper, it wreaks havoc on so many levels.
All your private thoughts and feelings no longer feel safe for you. There is embarrassment, self-blame, shame, and a sense of being duped. How did I miss this? To believe your inner voice validates the fact that your husband or wife is a lying cheat and that your best friend is a piece of crap. According to Alper, people who find out their spouse is cheating go through many stages, which can include shock, sadness, and then anger. Alper said every affair turns out differently.
Some cheaters want a divorce and want to marry the best friend. Others beg the spouse for forgiveness and want to try to work things out. She said she has seen many, many couples reconcile after cheating, but only if the cheating was with a stranger. So, what do you do when your husband and your BFF fall in love? Get yourself and your kids into therapy immediately.
You need to shore up support for everyone. Do not wait. This affects everyone in the family, because the kids probably know the best friend well, and maybe he or she has kids also. Consider a fresh start. In the case where the spouse is leaving to be with the best friend, you might want to move to a new community. Practice yoga, meditation and mindfulness.
This allows your brain to shut off the obsessive thoughts. End things formally with the friend. For years Ed and I have shared a playful, semiflirtatious banter, usually with my husband there to appreciate the show. I can't tell you how many times Ed has said, "I won't get married until I find a girl like you" and my husband has come back with, "You don't need a girl like her; just take her. This was the case with my friend Wendy.
Her husband's best friend, Sean, used to make "You're the perfect woman -- leave him and marry me" jokes. Then one day the gag turned serious. After too many glasses of wine, Sean put his tongue in Wendy's mouth as they kissed good night. Freaked out, Wendy told her husband what had happened. Needless to say, he and Sean had a big fight and never spoke again. If I had, my husband would still have someone to play ball with on Sundays.
Never confess to past infidelities Now, girls, I'd hope this goes without saying, but I'll mention it anyway. I don't care if you were 20 and drunk at the time; never admit that you cheated while in a committed relationship. On the subject of fidelity, you are above reproach. And not being a cheater yourself, you have zero tolerance for cheaters.
This is a little difficult for me because my husband and I began dating behind my then-serious boyfriend's back. Nevertheless, I make sure to occasionally remind him that if he even had a one-night stand, I would leave him and take the children to Tangier. The threat seems to be working. But in all seriousness, you have to ask yourself how the relationship could possibly benefit from your true confessions, and I think you'll see the answer is not at all.
Doubt can do serious damage. Don't tell him that one of your girlfriends is cheating on her husband Just keeping your own past slipups under wraps is not enough. In general, you must act as though infidelity is equal to murder. You know it exists, you've read about it in the papers, but you certainly don't know anyone who has actually committed it. This won't always be easy. Last year a friend of mine was having a full-blown affair with a guy whose kid went to our daughter's school. Keeping this from my husband -- who would have eaten it with a spoon -- was harder than childbirth.
Don't say he's not as hard as he used to be So your husband doesn't have the tumescence of a year-old frat boy. I bet you don't have the stamina of Venus Williams. I say this not to make you feel bad about your own aging body but to help you appreciate or at least accept his.
I defer to my fourth-grade teacher: "Children, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all! Don't make him feel impotent about work This is the rule I broke last night. Usually when my husband comes home from work frustrated or angry about his day, I encourage him to tell me what's on his mind. I listen intently, try to offer advice, and always make it clear that I'm on his read: our side. But truth be told, I think he and his boss have a serious communication problem.
Yeah, his boss may be a jerk, but he's not a mind reader. When my husband was passed over for a promotion recently, I endured his victim routine for several days. Then, last night, I let loose. Forget the promotion -- you're lucky you haven't been fired! But the damage was done. This morning on the phone, my sister made me feel even worse. And when I repeated the exchange to my mother, who is long divorced from my father, she added, "That's a lesson I learned too late.
Don't mix your marital problems with his business problems or you'll end up with a husband who feels like a loser at the office and at home! Don't tell him you want a divorce unless you really do My good friend Clare used to threaten her husband with divorce all the time, yet the day he took her up on it she was so shattered she had to be hospitalized.
A year later her ex-husband told me, "Every time we had a fight, Clare would say maybe we should split up. Honestly, I couldn't live with that hanging over my head anymore. I believed she had one foot out the door.
It is reported that Mariam gave birth to the first pair of twins at the age of 13, and then gave birth to five pairs of twins, three pairs of quadruplets and four pairs of triplets. A local gynecologist said that Mariam suffers from a rare genetic disease, which leads to Mariam's abnormally large ovaries. If birth control measures such as taking contraceptives are taken, it will lead to health problems. Therefore, after the first birth, Mariam gave birth to many children. At present, Mariam has cut off her uterus to avoid getting pregnant again.
Although Mariam had many children, she was not loved by her husband. Three years ago, Mariam gave birth to her sixth pair of twins, and her husband left her. At present, Mariam and her children are living a very tight life. Dozens of people in a family can only squeeze into four narrow cement brick houses. Due to the limited space, 12 children sleep on a two-layer metal shelf bed, others have to sleep on the floor and share a mattress, while some children can only sleep in the mud. Mariam worked hard to raise her children.
She worked as a hairdresser, decorator, and sold gin and herbs. Mariam said: 'I grew up in tears and experienced a lot of suffering. I spend all my time looking after children and making money. Mariam's childhood life was also full of ups and downs. Three days after Mariam was born, her mother ran away from home and abandoned her father and five brothers and sisters.
I go to church regularly, my husband is an elder and i teach Sunday school. I know my pastor would say i am sinning and need to absolve my sins, but i don't feel that way at all. A reader, anonymous , writes 11 March : My husband and I are quite young and I am a little more experienced than he is. At his work, there are two older men who lost their wives to cancer. These were slow illnesses and devastating to both men.
Often one or the other would come to our home for dinner. I could see they were lost. They were like ships without moorings. I began to feel such sympathy for them. Most nights when one or the other dined with us, they would sleep over in our guest room. On one such night, my husband and I retired to our room and were talking. I was in my husband's arms when he told me he was worried for out friend.
I really did not understand, but said I would try to find a single friend of mine and we could introduce them, but these men are both quite senior to our social circle and I was at a loss. My husband asked me if I had any feelings for the men and of course I replied affirmatively. They were both kind and thoughtful.
They always brought a suitable gift when dining and felt they were imposing on us, but we both wanted them to feel they had people who loved and cherished them. My husband pressed on and inquired if I would not consent to "take care of their needs. I asked my husband if he had a better idea. I must tell you, I was most shocked when my darling husband suggested I might take care of their needs myself. At first, I thought he was joking or I had misunderstood him.
I was unaware, he had learned of my relations which were truthfully most sordid, and happened during my time as an exchange student in America. But he revealed that not only was he aware, but had secretly visited America and spied upon me. When I tell you my relations were of a sordid nature, I mean to say I became involved sexually with a group of five men who used me as a sex slave.
I had come under the spell of a college man and submitted to him out of a schoolgirl crush. At a party we attended, he made me dress in a rather short dress and I was forbidden to wear undergarments. I was taken by my boyfriend into the garden, where he bound me and placed a blindfold over my eyes. I did find it most exciting. I could hear the party nearby and the thought we might be seen by others seemed so forbidden.
What I did not know was my boyfriend had planned for four of his friends to join us. They used me most willfully while I was in this helpless state. I know I should have broken off my relationship with him, but his forceful nature was most compelling and I submitted to him and more of his friends over the coming months. When I returned to England and my darling, who is now my husband, I decided it was just a dalliance and it was best to forget it ever happened. My darling had been such a polite young man, but on my returned he told me he had missed me dearly and could never bear to be parted from me again.
Within a few short months, we were engaged to be married and I thought my past was behind me and my life as a dutiful and obedient housewife lay before me. My husband's family was able to secure him an excellent post at an old and respected bank. We were given a small cottage near the edge of Cambridge, and there I set out to make our life. My husband requested I used contraceptive pills that me might have at least a portion of our youth to get to know one another before we started our planned family.
I of course agreed, for it was his wish and I wanted to serve and obey my husband most dutifully. When he told me now that he had come to America and seen me submit to these groups of my lover's friends, I burst into tears and profusely apologised to him. My darling told me there was nothing to forgive, that he loved me dearly and never regretted marry me.
He also confessed he felt a deep excitement when he remembered my most eager submission to those men. He even confessed to fantasies of me submitting to others again. As he spoke, I noticed he had become aroused, and embracing me most fervently begged me to help our friend. We talked of his feelings and of my past. He described in quite shocking detail a few of the encounters he had witnessed.
I must tell you I felt quite bewildered, because as he spoke, I myself, became substantially aroused. I asked if he was sure and spoke of my fears, but he told me he loved me and my gift to these men would be a noble act of a good and caring woman.
Finally, I agreed, but on the condition he swear a solemn oath. He had me remove all my garments and go to our guest room. I did not knock, as would be customary, but merely let myself in and joined our friend in his bed. The older man was shocked, to say the very least and told me I should return to my husband.
I explained how I had looked amoung my friends and it was, in fact, my husband who had requested I give myself to him. During this time, my nude body was close to him. Certainly, my aroused scent and the warmth of me caused him to began to respond to me.
It felt deliciously forbidden to be in the arms of a man other than my husband. I said some very naughty things, as I undressed him. I was quite alarmed to learn he is most generously endowed. When he entered me, I felt more full than I have ever felt before.
I did try to be quite, for I did not wish to cause my husband any pain, or to have him think I was an eager adulteress, but I failed. The man reached a climax quite quickly, but he continued to make love to me and proved to be most thoughtful and skilled in his endeavors. After his second climax and a number of my own, he held me in his arms, kissed me most tenderly and wept.
He told me he was grateful and prayed nothing untoward would come of this. As he wept, I felt my heart open to him, for he was not just a magnificent lover, but one with an enormous heart. There was no delicate way to extricate myself from his arms, and some thirty minutes later, he began to kiss me most tenderly, but was also clearly aroused and in need of me.
I do not know how long our second coupling was, but again I found myself swept up and responded to him most ardently. Later, when he slept, I returned to my husband, who to my surprise was still awake and eagerly embraced me. I attempted to apologise for my behavior, but my husband told me he was overjoyed to hear my cries of pleasure and to know that his request of me was not a burden. His own lovemaking seemed more forceful and passionate than usual.
He caressed me and kissed me over and over, telling me he was pleased. I was quite aghast when he kissed down my body, as I had no used any barrier and was quite full our dear friend's quite abundant ejaculant, but if I thought this would dissuade my husband, I was wrong. After, as he entered me, I could taste our friend mingled with my own scent in my husband's kiss.
Since this time, both men have been invited to our home any number of times. One very memorable night, my husband insisted the pair sleep instead in our bed with me, while my husband slept in the guest room. This had not happened since my year as an exchange student.
I am sure many might think me a despicable and wanton woman, but I believe the gift of love is a precious thing. I do not do this casually, and this gift is being given by my husband and myself together. I think your kindness which you and your husband are showing to your friend is admirable.
We have knowwn a very close friend of my husband's for more than 20 years.